Sunday, April 20, 2014

Things NOT To Say To Me Right Now

One thing I've found through all this terrible mess is how many honest to goodness FRIENDS I have.  The ones who just say 'I love you' or 'I am here for you whenever you need to vent or cry or whatever'.  They don't shove the typical bullshit down your throat, they just let you know that they care and are thinking about you and they know that words just don't cut it right now but thats okay.

What I cannot stand are all the cliche comments I keep getting, and its unfair to get mad because I know that they are most likely being said with the best of intentions, or out of a lack of knowing what might be better to say, but I'm going to throat punch anyone who says these things to me in person, I swear to God.

  • God had other plans for her.  - SERIOUSLY?  This is my fucking CHILD that I lost, not a pet, how about we toss your kid in the street to get run over by a bus and then I'll tell you God had other plans for might you feel hearing that?  Do you think I want to hear that God planned for me to get 31 weeks into my pregnancy and then he snatched my baby away from me in the worst way?  What the fuck?  What kind of plan could there possibly be that would require that kind of pain and heartbreak?

  • You will hold her again someday, in Heaven.  - I don't give a shit about SOMEDAY, I want my child in my arms right now.  Do you even realize that every time that phrase is said its like ripping open that hole in my heart all over again?  A constant reminder that she is NOT in my arms and will NEVER be there again?

  • Stop calling her my angel, for the love of all that is holy, just stop! - She is my baby, my daughter, my Fiona but referring to her as my angel just makes me want to scream.  I know she is gone, I don't need it rubbed in anymore.  This is the one I get the most and I know, I KNOW, that nobody is saying it to be hurtful, but dammit it does hurt, it hurts like hell.

I should have been 34 weeks tomorrow, I should have been sitting at my parents house exhausted from hauling my huge belly around to help the kids hunt Easter eggs.  Today was not a good day for me, it was a huge step backwards from how I've been doing the past couple days.  I guess this whole grieving thing isn't just a straight path.  The next few weeks are going to be so hard, especially the day I would have turned 37 weeks, knowing for sure that she should have been in my arms by that point.  I am very much hating life today.

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