Monday, April 14, 2014

My world is shattered

March 30, 2014, 1 day short of 31 weeks pregnant, this will forever be the very worst day of my life.  The day the doppler touched my stomach and there was no sound, no heartbeat, the day my baby girl died.  The day a part of me died.  Then came the 31st....and then April 1st....and 2nd.....and then the 3rd, the day I finally held my sweet sweet baby girl in my arms, for the first and last time, and I died a little all over again.  My life will never be the same, my husband and I have joined a club we never ever wanted to be a part of, the group of parents who have lost a child.  My children have lost the baby sister they begged and prayed and longed for....telling them was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do and I hate that they have been introduced to death and heartache at this personal of a level at such a young age.

It's so so so much more though than just mourning the loss of a baby.  I've lost my newborn nursing in the middle of the night, my silly toddler learning to walk and talk and play, my child starting her first day of kindergarten, my teenager stomping her foot because we told her no, my daughter walking down the aisle on her wedding day.  So many hopes and dreams we'd already had formed for this little tiny person who should have been in my arms in just a few short weeks, all gone in a single moment.

I'm also mourning for my kids, they've lost more than a sister in all this madness.  I'm a mess, barely able to take care of myself, angry and hurting and broken, short tempered with those that I love the most and struggling every day to just.get.through.  I will never be the same mom that I was before this happened.  I will never be the same wife and daughter and woman that I was.  There is no way to come through a tragedy like this unchanged and I am terrified that they will never have the carefree, fun, goofy mommy that they know and love again.  I don't know how to be that mom again, and that is so unfair to them.

I'm scared of how this will impact my marriage.  My husband is amazing, he's been my rock that I've clung to in my very worst moments.  We've sobbed together and asked each other 'why', he's comforted me during the worst of the physical pains of trying to labor our daughter into this world, he's assured me over and over and over again that it is NOT my fault, that I did nothing wrong and everything right.  I've read about marriages falling apart when tragedy hits though, and one partner or the other has a harder time moving on and its causes too much stress, a person can only take so much before they crack after all.  I just can't think about this.

There are so many things rumbling through my head right now and even though I think the shock has faded some, I really haven't had the chance to get it all out yet.  I want to hit something, throw things, scream at the top of my lungs about how fucking unfair this is, how cruel and how ANGRY I am at God and myself for this happening.  I want to do all these things at once and then crumple into a pile on the floor and cry and cry and cry until all the tears I have are gone.  I want to sleep the day away to avoid being awake long enough to have to think about it all.

I blame myself, I was Fiona's protector, it was my job to keep her safe and sound, my body was her home to grow big and strong in, and I failed in some way.  Everyone insists that is not the case, that I did everything imaginable for her and I did, but I still failed because she died, inside of me.  I am angry at God for letting this happen.  I know he didn't DO it, but why did he LET it happen. My faith is completely shaken, crumbled in pieces right now and I don't know if I'll ever get it back.  What could a sweet innocent tiny baby have done?  What purpose could there be for this happening to our family?  Why why why why why?  If I'd gone in Saturday could they have detected something?  Friday she was fine at the NST and passed her BPP with flying colors, no signs of distress.  Did I let my baby die because I waited until Sunday to go to the hospital? Could they have saved her Saturday or was she already gone?  These are the questions that keep running through my head.

This is far from everything I'm thinking and feeling but its all I can handle for now.

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