Things NOT To Say To Me Right Now

One thing I've found through all this terrible mess is how many honest to goodness FRIENDS I have.  The ones who just say 'I love you' or 'I am here for you whenever you need to vent or cry or whatever'.  They don't shove the typical bullshit down your throat, they just let you know that they care and are thinking about you and they know that words just don't cut it right now but thats okay.

What I cannot stand are all the cliche comments I keep getting, and its unfair to get mad because I know that they are most likely being said with the best of intentions, or out of a lack of knowing what might be better to say, but I'm going to throat punch anyone who says these things to me in person, I swear to God.

• God had other plans for her.  - SERIOUSLY?  This is my fucking CHILD that I lost, not a pet, how about we toss your kid in the street to get run over by a bus and then I'll tell you God had other plans for them.....how might you feel hearing that?  Do you think I want to hear that God planned for me to get 31 weeks into my pregnancy and then he snatched my baby away from me in the worst way?  What the fuck?  What kind of plan could there possibly be that would require that kind of pain and heartbreak?

• You will hold her again someday, in Heaven.  - I don't give a shit about SOMEDAY, I want my child in my arms right now.  Do you even realize that every time that phrase is said its like ripping open that hole in my heart all over again?  A constant reminder that she is NOT in my arms and will NEVER be there again?

• Stop calling her my angel, for the love of all that is holy, just stop! - She is my baby, my daughter, my Fiona but referring to her as my angel just makes me want to scream.  I know she is gone, I don't need it rubbed in anymore.  This is the one I get the most and I know, I KNOW, that nobody is saying it to be hurtful, but dammit it does hurt, it hurts like hell.

I should have been 34 weeks tomorrow, I should have been sitting at my parents house exhausted from hauling my huge belly around to help the kids hunt Easter eggs.  Today was not a good day for me, it was a huge step backwards from how I've been doing the past couple days.  I guess this whole grieving thing isn't just a straight path.  The next few weeks are going to be so hard, especially the day I would have turned 37 weeks, knowing for sure that she should have been in my arms by that point.  I am very much hating life today.

Gone Too Soon

I stumbled onto this song last night, I've listened to it about 50 times by this point, crying my eyes out but I love it.  It says everything that I've been thinking and feeling, like it was written just for Fiona.  I love Daughtry anyway but this song.....hits home in a way no song every has before.  It's crazy to say but it may be exactly what I needed to find to start helping me heal in a way.  I sit here listening to the lyrics with tears soaking my shirt, but for the first time since she died I feel a little bit of peace, just a little bit.

"Gone Too Soon"

Today could have been the day,
That you blow out your candles,
Make a wish as you close your eyes.

Today could have been the day,
Everybody was laughing,
Instead I just sit here and cry,

Who would you be?
What would you look like,
When you looked at me for the very first time?
Today could have been the next day of the rest of your life.

Not a day goes by,
That I don't think of you,
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose,
Such a ray of light we never knew,
Gone too soon, yeah.

Would you have been president
Or a painter, an author, or sing like your mother?
One thing is evident,
Would've given all I had,
Would've loved you like no other.

Who would you be,
What would you look like,
Would you have my smile and her eyes?
Today could have been the next day of the rest of your life.

Not a day goes by,
That I don't think of you,
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose,
Such a ray of light we never knew,
Gone too soon, yeah.

Not a day goes by,
Oh
I'm always asking why.

Not a day goes by,
That I don't think of you,
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose,
Such a beautiful light we never knew,
Gone too soon,
You were gone too soon
Yeah.

Not a day goes by,
That I don't think of you.

What do I say now?

One of the questions that keeps haunting my thoughts now, one that I have no idea how to answer and I dread the first time its asked....how many kids do you have?

How do I answer this now?  It seems like such a simple innocent question and yet it brings tears to my eyes just trying to figure out what I will say.  Do I say 2, a boy and a girl, and let Fiona get swept under the rug?  Do I say 2 living and 1 in heaven?  I can just imagine the silence and awkwardness that would follow, the slightly panicked look of the asker before they mumble something and look around for someone else to talk to.  Do I say 3, 2 girls and a boy and leave it at that unless they ask how old and then explain that one of my precious babies didn't make it out of the womb?  I have no idea.  I get nearly sick thinking about it, Steve doesn't know either and I know it makes him uncomfortable to talk about things like that but it's something we are going to have to figure out sooner than later.  He's back to work this week, my parents are getting the kids to and from school the next few days but eventually I'm going to be thrust back out into the real world and have to start talking to people again.  What do I say now?

My world is shattered

March 30, 2014, 1 day short of 31 weeks pregnant, this will forever be the very worst day of my life.  The day the doppler touched my stomach and there was no sound, no heartbeat, the day my baby girl died.  The day a part of me died.  Then came the 31st....and then April 1st....and 2nd.....and then the 3rd, the day I finally held my sweet sweet baby girl in my arms, for the first and last time, and I died a little all over again.  My life will never be the same, my husband and I have joined a club we never ever wanted to be a part of, the group of parents who have lost a child.  My children have lost the baby sister they begged and prayed and longed for....telling them was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do and I hate that they have been introduced to death and heartache at this personal of a level at such a young age.

It's so so so much more though than just mourning the loss of a baby.  I've lost my newborn nursing in the middle of the night, my silly toddler learning to walk and talk and play, my child starting her first day of kindergarten, my teenager stomping her foot because we told her no, my daughter walking down the aisle on her wedding day.  So many hopes and dreams we'd already had formed for this little tiny person who should have been in my arms in just a few short weeks, all gone in a single moment.

I'm also mourning for my kids, they've lost more than a sister in all this madness.  I'm a mess, barely able to take care of myself, angry and hurting and broken, short tempered with those that I love the most and struggling every day to just.get.through.  I will never be the same mom that I was before this happened.  I will never be the same wife and daughter and woman that I was.  There is no way to come through a tragedy like this unchanged and I am terrified that they will never have the carefree, fun, goofy mommy that they know and love again.  I don't know how to be that mom again, and that is so unfair to them.

I'm scared of how this will impact my marriage.  My husband is amazing, he's been my rock that I've clung to in my very worst moments.  We've sobbed together and asked each other 'why', he's comforted me during the worst of the physical pains of trying to labor our daughter into this world, he's assured me over and over and over again that it is NOT my fault, that I did nothing wrong and everything right.  I've read about marriages falling apart when tragedy hits though, and one partner or the other has a harder time moving on and its causes too much stress, a person can only take so much before they crack after all.  I just can't think about this.

There are so many things rumbling through my head right now and even though I think the shock has faded some, I really haven't had the chance to get it all out yet.  I want to hit something, throw things, scream at the top of my lungs about how fucking unfair this is, how cruel and how ANGRY I am at God and myself for this happening.  I want to do all these things at once and then crumple into a pile on the floor and cry and cry and cry until all the tears I have are gone.  I want to sleep the day away to avoid being awake long enough to have to think about it all.

I blame myself, I was Fiona's protector, it was my job to keep her safe and sound, my body was her home to grow big and strong in, and I failed in some way.  Everyone insists that is not the case, that I did everything imaginable for her and I did, but I still failed because she died, inside of me.  I am angry at God for letting this happen.  I know he didn't DO it, but why did he LET it happen. My faith is completely shaken, crumbled in pieces right now and I don't know if I'll ever get it back.  What could a sweet innocent tiny baby have done?  What purpose could there be for this happening to our family?  Why why why why why?  If I'd gone in Saturday could they have detected something?  Friday she was fine at the NST and passed her BPP with flying colors, no signs of distress.  Did I let my baby die because I waited until Sunday to go to the hospital? Could they have saved her Saturday or was she already gone?  These are the questions that keep running through my head.

This is far from everything I'm thinking and feeling but its all I can handle for now.

Check out my friend....

Head on over to my pal Erin's giveaway at Dishes and Wishes!  Some good stuff fo' sho'!

weight loss blog

I've started a seperate blog to follow my weight loss journey. I'm really excited about it and have several posts already. If you want to check it out it is called Cortney In One-derland

Fan Giveaway!!!

Would you love to win one of my wonderful hats? Well, now you can! I'm trying to reach 100 fans on my Facebook fan page. All you have to do is 'like' my fan page Warm Fuzzies by Cortney and then suggest my page to your friends! Then they can suggest to their friends and so on and so on. I'm at 30 fans right now, I'm hoping to be able to pick a winner by next week!

Once I reach 100 fans, I'll assign everyone a number and chose a winner using random.org. The winner will get to pick the hats style they want, in any size, in any color/colors! How exciting for you :)

I have a lot of wonderful supporters out there, this is my little way of showing you my appreciation.

Have a wonderful day all!!!

Add my button!

Thanks to my wonderful cousin Nancy, I now have a logo! Woot woot!!! Isn't it cute :) Feel free to snag that puppy and pop in on your blog! If you click it, it will take you to my Warm Fuzzies blog.

Uh, YUM!

Okay so Steve got a bottle of this the other day and didn't like it so I took a sip......why am I so late to the party of this stuff??? SO GOOD! I've never been a fan of Gatorade or Powerade or Propel or any of that other crap, not to mention its loaded with sodium which is fine for athletes but not great when you have high blood pressure. This stuff has zero sodium so I can swim in it if I wanted! LOL, now there's an image for you. Anyway, just had to share the new love of my life!

I'm a SLACKER!

Okay, not really, I've just been super busy with summer stuff and craft fair stuff; blah blah blah. I'm getting ready for The Old Hilliard Art Fair in September and have been really busy making hat after hat after hat. Sadly, my stock is not even close to what I need but I've set a weekly goal of 4 items and as long as I strive to reach that I should be golden. Right now I'm trying to decide if I should do some teen size hats in the local school colors...they may sell well or they might not and I don't want to be stuck with a ton of hats nobody wants. Hmmm, decisions.

The kids are doing great, Stella is almost walking (or could be if she wasn't such a lazy butt!) Luca is growing into such an amazing little person. I look at him some days and think, 'wow, when did he get so smart and big?' We've been spending a lot of time with another SAHM friend of mine, Erin, and her little guy Adyn. I met Erin on a 'May 2009 moms to be' message board and found out she lives only 45 minutes from us. We met as a group when the babies were still itsy bitsy and we've got a lot in common and get along really well. The kids recognize each other now (at least it seems like they do) and play together very well...no hitting/biting/pushing at all and very little toy stealing. Luca loves playing with Adyn too!

Summer is flying by faster than I ever thought possible. Luca is begging to go back to school so we'll all be happy when the fall gets here, lol. He's going to be going 2 days a week this year and cannot wait.

So that's not nearly all but all I have time for right now. I hope everyone is well and I will really try to update more often, although probably not much until this craft fair is over!!!

Great Blog Giveaway!

My friend Elisabeth is doing an awesome giveaway here for Lawry's grilling items. Check it out and enter to win!

Good friends, Good Food and a GREAT time!

This weekend was amazingly fabulous! When I was pregnant with Stella I joined a message board for moms due the same month as me. We have kept in touch since having our kids and have all grown pretty close. I have made some wonderful friends out of these awesome women and Saturday some of us met up here in Columbus for a May '09 Babies' Birthday Bash!!! Amanda and her some Jacob and Amanda and her daughter Sylvia came together from Missouri and Sherri and her son Colton came from Pennsylvania to be there. Jen (Olivia), Heather (Luc), Erin (Adyn) and Angie (Keegan) are all here in various parts of Ohio. 8 babies, 8 mommies, pizza and cupcakes...what a fun day! It was so great to put faces to the pictures and names that we've come to 'know' over the past almost 2 years. Below is one of my favorite pictures from the party, all the babies stripped down and ready to eat some cupcakes! How can you not love that big mess of baby chub? Can you see Stella in her little pink bow ;)


After the party ended, Erin, Amanda, Dawn and I took our babies and headed up to Tuttle Crossing Mall for a little shopping before grabbing dinner at House of Japan, a delicious hibachi style joint.....oh the yumminess! Dawn, being the outgoing gal that she is, urged us all to try sushi, something that she loves. So, I was feeling very adventurous and decided to take the plunge. I ordered the Philadelphia which is cream cheese, smoked salmon and sesame seeds. It looks the safest because I liked all the ingredients. SO GOOD! Dawn prompted me to try her spicy tuna (not bad but not a huge fan) and her Manhattan which was crab stick, avocado and smelt caviar. Now the second one was a little scary because 1) I didn't think I liked avocado and 2) caviar has always sounded gross....I mean come on, fish eggs???? BUT, it was so so so good. The caviar almost tasted like buttery sesame seeds and guess what, I do like avocado, who knew. So it is safe to say I am now a sushi addict. Dinner was great, the babies were fantastic and so well behaved and the looks on their faces as the chef set the grill on fire and tossed the shrimp in his hat was priceless.


I was so in love with my sushi that I got some from Kroger's today (they have a sushi bar) and crossed my fingers that it wouldn't suck. I was very pleasantly surprised. Basically the same as what I had yesterday, this included avocado, cream cheese and smoked salmon with the sesame seeds on the outside. I have a feeling I will be getting this quite often. I haven't figured out the WW points value yet but I've heard its on the healthier side and at Kroger's you get 12 pieces for $5.95!


So, after dinner we made a pit stop at Kohl's for, yes, more shopping. I found the deal of the century! We were perusing the purses so Amanda could pick up a new bag and I scanned over the clearance stuff and was unimpressed by the usual ugly leftovers that make it to that section. Until.....drum roll please....I spied with my little eye, something purple and lovely. I discovered that that loveliness was in the form of a deep purple and black Vera Wang bag that was originally $89 and was marked down to $26. SOLD! To make it even better, the cashier gave me an extra %15 off so it ended up being $22 with tax. I love Kohl's!

Afterwards we all went back the their hotel and met Sherri and Colton down at the pool for a little swim fun. Despite the water being a tad cold, all the babies had a great time splashing each other and the mommies.

From L to R: Dawn holding Sylvia and Jacob, Erin and Adyn, Sherri and Colton and me with Princess Stella

What a fabulous weekend. Erin and I are already planning on making a trip out to MO to see Dawn and Amanda...maybe in the fall? We aren't sure yet but I cannot wait to see these girls again. You never know how it will go when you meet in person people you've only known through the internet but they were exactly what I was expecting and hoping for and what a great experience for our kids. What a great story we will all be able to share when our kids when they are older. Thank you Amanda, Dawn and Sherri for making the trip and it was great seeing all the Ohio moms again!!!

Happy 1st Birthday Stella!!!

Shame on me..

I realized today that I have been oh so lazy in the posting department. As this has been a very long week alone with the kids (Steve was in Colorado for work) I will keep this very short tonight and 'business' related.

1) I have made some improvements to my hats website and would love for you all to check it out and add that site to your list of blogs as well. warmfuzziesbycortney.blogspot.com

2)If anyone knows how to make one of those cool blinkies that others can add to their blog, I would love some guidance. I'd like to make one that friends can put on their blog if they wish, to help promote me :) Thanks for the help and the recommendations!

3)I am going to be adding hairclips to my site very soon as well. Flowers (like on the hats), butterflies and strawberries to start. This gives customers the option to have a hat made with a flower attached or plain and get the flower on a clip that could then be used on the hat or in hair. Very good idea if you ask me!

I Can Be a Big Loser too!

Pretty fierce right? Just what I need! After hearing a few of my cyber pals from my May Mommies group rave about her 30 Day Shred DVD, I have decided to give it a go myself. This following an upsetting doctors appointment last Friday.

As my family and friends know, I am a fat fat fatty fat...hell, anyone seeing me walk down the street would know that simple fact. I can say that because 1. its true and 2. I'm doing something about it. I don't say it in a negative, putting down myself kind of way, just using it as another descriptive word like short or brunette. What they also know though is that I've got high blood pressure and have been taking meds to control it for a long long time. As my appointment Friday however, I learned that my cholesterol and glucose are also up. Nothing serious, just barely borderline but still not a place I want to be. I cried. I cried in the car after leaving the office and on the phone with my husband and again on the phone with my mom. I cried because I was so angry at myself. I've become numb to the HBP, like its not a big deal when..HELLO it is a huge deal. This was a huge kick in the ass. I DO NOT HAVE A CHOICE. LOSE WEIGHT, GET HEALTHY OR SUFFER AND DIE. I refuse to become diabetic, I refuse to add another condition that needs medication and I refuse to turn 30 as fat as I've been through my 20's. Things are changing and they are changing for the better.

I've been doing WW for a few months now and am down 16lb. Woot woot! Except, I know in my heart it should have been closer to 30 by now but I've piddled around here and there, fudged my points here and there and just plain threw in the towel a few times. Not anymore. NOT ANYMORE! I want more kids and I want to look good knocked up dammit!

So, starting tomorrow (because Luca was a butt and wouldn't nap this afternoon which kept Stella up crying and is a whole other post in itself) I am starting Jillian Michaels 3o day shred. I am keeping a calendar on the way to mark off the days I've done the DVD, to keep me accountable so I can't slack off or say I forgot. I see my doctor again in two weeks and would love to have 5lb off by then. She is redoing my blood work in 3 months and I want those numbers down!!!!

Here's to getting my ass handed to me by Jillian!

Warm Fuzzies by Cortney

Hats, hats and more hats! I've been busy busy busy this week making hats. I've been making ones for Stella for a few months and posting pictures of the finished product on Facebook. This week I got several orders from friends for hats for their own little ones. This has been a very exciting opportunity for me! I'd love to make a little side business of this to help cover my WW expenses. Even if nothing else comes from it, it felt good making things that I know others are going to enjoy. I'm thinking of starting an etsy.com store and attempting to sell my hats that way as well but hesitate because of the fees. I should probably start a website though so if anyone is interested they can look at pictures of what I've done.

If you know anyone that would like a hat, please send them my way! I can do all sizes and many different designs/color combos...the possibilities are endless! I have started a second blog just for this!!! warmfuzziesbycortney.blogspot.com

99 Things

I stole this from Crystal's blog. How many of these 99 things have you done? My accomplished tasks are in bold.

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars (does camping count?)
3. Played in a band (middle school)
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a thunder and lightning storm
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when your not ill.
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies (Heck yes!)
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason (such a sweet husband)
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Toured the Everglades
74. Stood in the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone (my collarbone)
78. Been a passenger on a motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating (if fishing counts)
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Got a tattoo
94. Had a baby...twice!
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee.

So 46 out of 99 isn't too bad, almost 50%! There are definitely things on here I would love to accomplish in my life, mostly visiting other countries to see those famous sites. How many have you done?

10 Pounds Gone!

Today was my weekly weight watchers meeting and I only needed .4lb to hit my 10lb mark and get my little blue ribbon. I lost 1.2lb!!! I was very happy to reach that milestone. Coming up next I am hoping to reach my 5% goal of 14lb. Slowly but surely I'm shrinking! I will take my 1olb pictures this evening along with my measurements. Sometimes you can see changes in your body before you really notice them on the scale so I'm eager to see if there is any difference yet.

Back on Track

Yesterday was my week 6 weigh in and I was down .8lb. I have (almost) taken back off the pound I put on last week and have recommitted myself to doing this the right way. I would love to be down 20-25lb by Stella's birthday and if I'm really good I can do this. It's 2 months away and only 10-15lb so that is right around 1lb a week which is a good steady way to go. I wish this damn snow would disappear so I could take the kids out in the stroller but that will mostly have to wait until spring. I could take them to the mall but then I spend money :D

I need to get out the Dancing With the Stars DVD and give it a whirl. I'm also going to find some yoga DVDs that are geared towards heavier women. I did a few when I was pregnant with Stella and really enjoyed them. I felt like I'd gotten a workout, was more relaxed and energized and felt just a wee bit taller from all the stretching! Here's to a positive week!

No News is Good News??

You might have noticed that I haven't done an update for my weigh loss in a few weeks. There is a very good reason for that, and its that I'm mad about it. I'm upset because I have fallen off the wagon, not just for a day but for 2 weeks! Ugh...shame on me. I sort of regained control of myself today and am already feeling better but its not going smoothly. I have a craving, for a yummy cupcake....a cupcake from a local bakery with super sweet and super fatty buttercream icing! I cannot, no matter what I try to substitute, get this stupid cupcake out of my head. This in turn has led me to snarfing down all sorts of 'healthier' options, along with some not healthy one, which is crazy I know. I should have just gone and gotten the stupid cupcake, realized it wasn't as good as I'd dreamed about, and moved on....but I WILL NOT GIVE INTO A CUPCAKE! ARGGGGG

So that is that. I've started fresh today. I will see a loss on Saturday, if not then next Saturday. I can do this, I know I can, we all have our rough patches. So yeah, I'm probably going to get that cupcake this weekend so its over and done. Stupid cupcake.