Things NOT To Say To Me Right Now

One thing I've found through all this terrible mess is how many honest to goodness FRIENDS I have.  The ones who just say 'I love you' or 'I am here for you whenever you need to vent or cry or whatever'.  They don't shove the typical bullshit down your throat, they just let you know that they care and are thinking about you and they know that words just don't cut it right now but thats okay.

What I cannot stand are all the cliche comments I keep getting, and its unfair to get mad because I know that they are most likely being said with the best of intentions, or out of a lack of knowing what might be better to say, but I'm going to throat punch anyone who says these things to me in person, I swear to God.

• God had other plans for her.  - SERIOUSLY?  This is my fucking CHILD that I lost, not a pet, how about we toss your kid in the street to get run over by a bus and then I'll tell you God had other plans for them.....how might you feel hearing that?  Do you think I want to hear that God planned for me to get 31 weeks into my pregnancy and then he snatched my baby away from me in the worst way?  What the fuck?  What kind of plan could there possibly be that would require that kind of pain and heartbreak?

• You will hold her again someday, in Heaven.  - I don't give a shit about SOMEDAY, I want my child in my arms right now.  Do you even realize that every time that phrase is said its like ripping open that hole in my heart all over again?  A constant reminder that she is NOT in my arms and will NEVER be there again?

• Stop calling her my angel, for the love of all that is holy, just stop! - She is my baby, my daughter, my Fiona but referring to her as my angel just makes me want to scream.  I know she is gone, I don't need it rubbed in anymore.  This is the one I get the most and I know, I KNOW, that nobody is saying it to be hurtful, but dammit it does hurt, it hurts like hell.

I should have been 34 weeks tomorrow, I should have been sitting at my parents house exhausted from hauling my huge belly around to help the kids hunt Easter eggs.  Today was not a good day for me, it was a huge step backwards from how I've been doing the past couple days.  I guess this whole grieving thing isn't just a straight path.  The next few weeks are going to be so hard, especially the day I would have turned 37 weeks, knowing for sure that she should have been in my arms by that point.  I am very much hating life today.

Gone Too Soon

I stumbled onto this song last night, I've listened to it about 50 times by this point, crying my eyes out but I love it.  It says everything that I've been thinking and feeling, like it was written just for Fiona.  I love Daughtry anyway but this song.....hits home in a way no song every has before.  It's crazy to say but it may be exactly what I needed to find to start helping me heal in a way.  I sit here listening to the lyrics with tears soaking my shirt, but for the first time since she died I feel a little bit of peace, just a little bit.

"Gone Too Soon"

Today could have been the day,
That you blow out your candles,
Make a wish as you close your eyes.

Today could have been the day,
Everybody was laughing,
Instead I just sit here and cry,

Who would you be?
What would you look like,
When you looked at me for the very first time?
Today could have been the next day of the rest of your life.

Not a day goes by,
That I don't think of you,
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose,
Such a ray of light we never knew,
Gone too soon, yeah.

Would you have been president
Or a painter, an author, or sing like your mother?
One thing is evident,
Would've given all I had,
Would've loved you like no other.

Who would you be,
What would you look like,
Would you have my smile and her eyes?
Today could have been the next day of the rest of your life.

Not a day goes by,
That I don't think of you,
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose,
Such a ray of light we never knew,
Gone too soon, yeah.

Not a day goes by,
Oh
I'm always asking why.

Not a day goes by,
That I don't think of you,
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose,
Such a beautiful light we never knew,
Gone too soon,
You were gone too soon
Yeah.

Not a day goes by,
That I don't think of you.

What do I say now?

One of the questions that keeps haunting my thoughts now, one that I have no idea how to answer and I dread the first time its asked....how many kids do you have?

How do I answer this now?  It seems like such a simple innocent question and yet it brings tears to my eyes just trying to figure out what I will say.  Do I say 2, a boy and a girl, and let Fiona get swept under the rug?  Do I say 2 living and 1 in heaven?  I can just imagine the silence and awkwardness that would follow, the slightly panicked look of the asker before they mumble something and look around for someone else to talk to.  Do I say 3, 2 girls and a boy and leave it at that unless they ask how old and then explain that one of my precious babies didn't make it out of the womb?  I have no idea.  I get nearly sick thinking about it, Steve doesn't know either and I know it makes him uncomfortable to talk about things like that but it's something we are going to have to figure out sooner than later.  He's back to work this week, my parents are getting the kids to and from school the next few days but eventually I'm going to be thrust back out into the real world and have to start talking to people again.  What do I say now?

My world is shattered

March 30, 2014, 1 day short of 31 weeks pregnant, this will forever be the very worst day of my life.  The day the doppler touched my stomach and there was no sound, no heartbeat, the day my baby girl died.  The day a part of me died.  Then came the 31st....and then April 1st....and 2nd.....and then the 3rd, the day I finally held my sweet sweet baby girl in my arms, for the first and last time, and I died a little all over again.  My life will never be the same, my husband and I have joined a club we never ever wanted to be a part of, the group of parents who have lost a child.  My children have lost the baby sister they begged and prayed and longed for....telling them was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do and I hate that they have been introduced to death and heartache at this personal of a level at such a young age.

It's so so so much more though than just mourning the loss of a baby.  I've lost my newborn nursing in the middle of the night, my silly toddler learning to walk and talk and play, my child starting her first day of kindergarten, my teenager stomping her foot because we told her no, my daughter walking down the aisle on her wedding day.  So many hopes and dreams we'd already had formed for this little tiny person who should have been in my arms in just a few short weeks, all gone in a single moment.

I'm also mourning for my kids, they've lost more than a sister in all this madness.  I'm a mess, barely able to take care of myself, angry and hurting and broken, short tempered with those that I love the most and struggling every day to just.get.through.  I will never be the same mom that I was before this happened.  I will never be the same wife and daughter and woman that I was.  There is no way to come through a tragedy like this unchanged and I am terrified that they will never have the carefree, fun, goofy mommy that they know and love again.  I don't know how to be that mom again, and that is so unfair to them.

I'm scared of how this will impact my marriage.  My husband is amazing, he's been my rock that I've clung to in my very worst moments.  We've sobbed together and asked each other 'why', he's comforted me during the worst of the physical pains of trying to labor our daughter into this world, he's assured me over and over and over again that it is NOT my fault, that I did nothing wrong and everything right.  I've read about marriages falling apart when tragedy hits though, and one partner or the other has a harder time moving on and its causes too much stress, a person can only take so much before they crack after all.  I just can't think about this.

There are so many things rumbling through my head right now and even though I think the shock has faded some, I really haven't had the chance to get it all out yet.  I want to hit something, throw things, scream at the top of my lungs about how fucking unfair this is, how cruel and how ANGRY I am at God and myself for this happening.  I want to do all these things at once and then crumple into a pile on the floor and cry and cry and cry until all the tears I have are gone.  I want to sleep the day away to avoid being awake long enough to have to think about it all.

I blame myself, I was Fiona's protector, it was my job to keep her safe and sound, my body was her home to grow big and strong in, and I failed in some way.  Everyone insists that is not the case, that I did everything imaginable for her and I did, but I still failed because she died, inside of me.  I am angry at God for letting this happen.  I know he didn't DO it, but why did he LET it happen. My faith is completely shaken, crumbled in pieces right now and I don't know if I'll ever get it back.  What could a sweet innocent tiny baby have done?  What purpose could there be for this happening to our family?  Why why why why why?  If I'd gone in Saturday could they have detected something?  Friday she was fine at the NST and passed her BPP with flying colors, no signs of distress.  Did I let my baby die because I waited until Sunday to go to the hospital? Could they have saved her Saturday or was she already gone?  These are the questions that keep running through my head.

This is far from everything I'm thinking and feeling but its all I can handle for now.